"Do you know what is Android?"

I never ever imagined that this simple question could bring my writer ego into shambles. Seriously never ever!!  You might be thinking that what could have happened to stem this thought in my mind!! (Even if you are not thinking or simply just don't care, i'l still rant!!) So just lets cut the chase and get straight to the scene where all the action happened!!

SCENE I-

Office  conference room, Boss calls a meeting with me and another one of my colleagues,who incidently has the knack of smirking and laughing at all the wrong moments and places!!

Boss- okay! Lets get started in here.
Me- Great! Here you go (handing over my masterpieces of work..well my boss couldn't disagree more..!)

Boss studies intensely, points out the mistakes, gives the changes, everything is going on superbly well. My colleague looks bored, I am drifting off to my wonderland, boss is fully concentrated in fishing out my mistakes!!! It was as perfect as an internal meeting environment could get!
But no a bomb had to be dropped, I needed to be brought back from my neverland and bam! Here's how it came:

SCENE II

Boss-Your article is boring! It lacks spice!
Me-choked, suffered a total loss of my senses, kept staring at him absolutely dumbfounded!
Colleague (who might be doing his smirk tango)- Nodded!
Boss- You need to be more technical.
Me-still staring! (sky falls on my head as I hear the words "be technical", still trying to find my voice)

My colleague smirks some more and I can so hear his thinking-"Technical and she!! Yah ryt! Let us think of something better boss!!"

Boss and colleague get deep in conversation, deciding what shape my writing has to take while I am still grappling with the word "boring" and coming to terms with the reality of being "technical."

SCENE III

Boss- Akansha, Do you know what is Android?
I to my own surprise, nod my head in disagreement!!!! I can so hear my colleague thinking or is he really thinking loudlyyy- "Look at that!! Sir you hired a dumb-head."
I re winded the conversation in my head and realized how dumb i sounded! Of course i knew what Android was, it was me who wrote an entire article on it!! But why words failed to come out that gaping hole we call mouth, I am still trying to figure.

Probably, it was the incessant sound of "Your article is boring" that kept pounding in my head. It was as if somebody was standing on a rooftop and shouting it out throw a loudspeaker,"Her article is boring." "Boring" was all i could see and hear. Yes people that is what happened, it was no less than a disaster and pretty close to professional suicide!!

After this awe-inspiring disaster, these might have been the first few thoughts in my boss's mind

Boss- Man, how profoundly dumb someone could be! Phew! Did I really hire her? What was I thinking??

If even there is an iota of truth in the above imagined thoughts then, I really need to rethink my career strategy!! This leads me to another disastrous thought which is " Do I even have a career strategy??" Okay that's it Akansha- You got some serious thinking to do!!

Each Day!!

Each day the struggles are more,

Each day the trials galore,

Each day the world is scared a little more,

Each day reminds me that surrender to You only, can take us out this dark door,

Each day my love for You sweet Jesus increases more.

Each day Your graciousness on me increases manifold,

Each day You make me want to be "me" more,

Each day You make me love me more,

Each day for You I want to be better, even more,

Each day You whisper to me,"Dear child! I am here, fear no more."

Musings of a broken heart (Part 1)

It has been two years since the fall. Two years- really, has it been two years since that great fall, a fall that changed everything, that changed life as I knew it!! But to me the memories still seem afresh in my mind as a morning looks awashed by dew drops. The pain, the hurt, the humiliation, the struggle is even more persistent to the extent of being palpable. We are rising, falling and rising again. Sometimes it all seems to be a dream and sometimes way too real. Does it gets any worse than this, my mind shouts out but no one can hear, sometimes not even me. When this battle of reality gets too uphill to get through, my heart screams insanely but still no one hears!! Almost picture perfect memories are scattered all around and I am trying too hard to pick them up, put them together again and bring them back to reality again. "Why were they taken away from me??" I yell out in a painful howl. "Why?" I groan again, look up and see just emptiness-clear, black emptiness!!
Thoughts are running in my mind- a million per second, they are pulling me down, tied around my neck like a heavy stone-pulling me in the dark, deep dungeons of lifelessness. I am grasping for breath,desperately trying to stay afloat but the weight of the struggle, the pull of the nonsensical thoughts is trying to suck the life out of me. I cannot see, darkness is setting in, the mass of light is now just a flicker. "Am i this far, that light is nothing but just a glimmer getting smaller and smaller." I see the distance and the very thought of the struggle of trying to swim back out of this sea of darkness wears me down and I give up. The sea roars with the deafening evil laughter of the depression monster and I- scared and lifeless let those waves of darkness engulf me. Since the Fall I have swam seas of darkness and yet the light just seems to be getting farther and farther away!!

Growing up

When you are a child, grown ups seem to be a fascinating breed. As a hapless being you observe them, going about their business, doing whatever they feel like, getting to have their say and on top of all these perks they get to order you around as well. It seems that they look forward to see you fall down so that they get their chance of rising and shining and pouring out their pearls of wisdom whether you want it or not.

As the youngest child of the family (yeah above written lines are a result of self-experience ;)), my elder brothers' lives always seemed more fun to me. They seemed to enjoy more, got more love and attention from my mother and had blissfully charming lives. It all seemed so rosy back then, but now as I climb up the ladder of age,I realize that the process of reaching till here is far more complicated than I could ever imagine.

Suddenly from a cocooned life you are thrown out in the milieu of things you never knew existed and have to figure them out all by yourself. (Whatttt???really???...) This reality is even harder to digest for people like me who love to live in castles of their own fantasy world. For us, Growing up is like being kissed by a handsome prince out of the beautiful slumber of your childhood and then being kicked straight out of the Neverland.

Yes, being a grown up is not easy, infact it is hard, really hard. With growing up comes the truckload of worries. Life suddenly turns into fast forward mode and everything has to be done at a break neck speed.(find a career, get a job, build a house, get married, be responsible, read all sorts of boring documents about finance, insurance, manage love, relation, family..phew!!!....I am sure you got the picture..)

But for me this is just part of the package deal... In actuality, growing up or being a grown up means much more to me. Being a grown up brings with it the joys of freedom. It means that I GET TO CHOOSE!!! Isn't that a huge privilege. Being grown up bestows more intelligence and better understanding upon you. It brings with it the knowledge of who you are and who you want to be. It brings with it a greater sense of adventure and exploration, more experiences and a better understanding of them..Oh how I find growing up an enchanting experience and believe you me it really is. Our childhood memories would not have been half as beautiful if we didn't had an elder brother to run to when we were hurt or a big sister to share our prized chocolate with.

Yes, being a grown up introduces you to a lot of pain, sadness and unfairness that exists in life but it also gives you the opportunity to reach out and try an ease some of that pain, lessen some of that sadness by making someone else smile and cure some of that unfairness by being more fair yourself in word and in action.

I do rue over the loss of childhood days when innocence could be found in abundance and ignorance was not only bliss but also brought with it a sense of security and stability, when future held no worry and present was all that really mattered. But this never stops me from realizing the fact that for every trial I face as a grown up there is a triumph waiting for me at the other end. Every challenge of this grown up life is making me realize the tons of strength hidden inside me and how my character is refined with each sorrow that is slapped in my face.

None of life's experiences were meant to be easy, they never will be, but they will surely create wonderful memories for you if you just let them. I am glad that my Lord enables me to experience the trials and tribulations of being a grown up and lets me soak into the experience in all its glory...

It's spinning....

The world around me is spinning. It looks like a merry-go-around which is going upside down and so is my mind. There is a feeling of numbness and at the same time there are emotions raging to burst out. My body is exhausted as if I have been working in a brick kiln, carrying heavy red colored bricks all day long. My mind is fatigued with the load of the bricks of my thoughts. Buried under this load I am sulking, I am overwhelmed at the madness out there, the fierce race of life that seems to turn us into human robots.....

I know not how to explain this spinning because deciphering it is making me go CRAZY and this has to stop. My sanity has to come back..How?? I do not know and this where I am surrendering to you My Lord because You are my shepherd and it is only You who can lead me out of this darkness and into the light....

Taking the first plunge

I have always thought that taking the first plunge is the hardest to do. But if you take that one first step then half your battle is already won. So thats what I did. I let my pensive, pondering akansha to sit aside for a while (she is just too possessive about my brain..;)) and let the implusive akansha who hardly surfaces go ahead and "TAKE THE PLUNGE" to create this blog..

I don't really have an idea of the whys and hows that went behind the creation of my e-journal....You see I am a late bloomer, when the entire world was obsessing over figuring out what the heck is a blog???? I was happy in my own world, not even having the slightest of the inkling about what a blog is...Now when the world is going gaga over the wonders and joys of blogging, I am just taking baby steps of owning a blog..It has always been this way...I still prefer a hard bound book than an e-book, i am not yet obsessed with facebook, i have never played farmville...(should i go and hide...) and in a world where people vent out their every waking thought from what they are having for breakfast to when they go for a bath, I very rarely express...So this blog is really a sort of an adventure for me. I don't really know what its going to be about but I do know that this is going to be a place where I express or rather learn to give a vent to my musings...Maybe some will join me in my ramblings, maybe none will join me, but still I am going to take the plunge cause...Maybe I am just a little girl, little girl with great big plans.....:)